Day 7 : Trust

So elaborating on the topic of trust, I began feeling like I couldn't trust certain people today.Then I began thinking that maybe my distrust in others could be a reflection of my feelings as they relate to myself. Maybe I am projecting my trust issues onto others. A form of self sabatoge maybe? But why is it there and where does it come from? How do I overcome it? Maybe I have to start by having a little faith in myself and the decisions I make and the paths I decide to take. Maybe as it pertains to others, I should have a litle faith in my choices of people I surround myself with. Only after I can begin to trust myself, maybe I will learn how to ultimately trust others.?. Maybe my distrust in myself is the cause of my feelings of inadequacy. The "never good enough" feeling that surfaces regularly. Maybe those feelings that are harbored deep within me are the source that drives the distrust in myself and then spiral to my distrust in others so that maybe I project it out to the point where that is all I get back in return, therefore my theory ends up being right. Craziness I know, but thats how self sabatoge works. Feeling of inadequacy or mistrust are merely reflected back as to what you give out. Maybe I should work on what I give out so that I may receive what I need in return. I know I deserve a loving relationship. I know I deserve to be loved. I know I deserve a wonderful family and good friends. Its something deep within that feels like Im not enough. Im not sure what that "something" is or why its there. How do I begin to tell that "self" that I AM?

Day 6

So, Im feeling really anxious today. Its almost a feeling like Ive done something wrong. Im really not sure what that’s about. I started thinking about it and realized that it really boiled down to me not trusting myself. Not trusting myself with what? Well, I guess with decisions I make. In the past I have made poor choices at times. But in the last few years Ive really tried to do the right things even if I didn’t always want to. Most of the times that I screwed up was when I was drinking and partying. Not that Ive made terrible mistakes or anything, just things like running my mouth and showing a lot of anger, also just not knowing when enough is enough. But I have actually been very good at making the right choices within the last few years. I don’t know why Im feeling this way right now. Maybe it is bc for the first time.. really, in my life, Im having to make decisions for me and the kids… virtually alone. Jeff is a phone call away, but for the most part, the small decisions are being left up to me. And for some reason I don’t trust myself yet. I still think well, “What would Jeff do in this situation?” and things like that and then I catch myself and Im like Wait a minute here.. why do I need to always do what I think Jeff would do? Maybe bc he is always the grounding person and Im always so flighty. I am thinking about how I really want to feel young and go out and party a little, but then I feel afraid that I wont do the right things. I feel like maybe its just best that I don’t do those things I order not to screw up. But why? Why cant I trust myself to make the right choices? I still feel so lost right now.

2-14-2010 DAY 1

Jeff left today. It was the most terrible feeling ever. He and I and Jei were crying. I feel like my heart is so broken. Im afraid of doing this alone. I know I have to carry on though. I have to be strong for him and for my boys. There are no second chances. I have to do this right. I have to prove to myself and my family how strong I am. I have to make the right choices and do the right things. I have to be the protector now as well. It’s a lot to take on, but I know in my heart that I made this choice. I chose this life for a reason. There are a lot of lessons to be learned here. Im going to try my best to stay positive and get the most out of this lesson. We will be strong, we will carry on. I miss him so much already.