Day 6

So, Im feeling really anxious today. Its almost a feeling like Ive done something wrong. Im really not sure what that’s about. I started thinking about it and realized that it really boiled down to me not trusting myself. Not trusting myself with what? Well, I guess with decisions I make. In the past I have made poor choices at times. But in the last few years Ive really tried to do the right things even if I didn’t always want to. Most of the times that I screwed up was when I was drinking and partying. Not that Ive made terrible mistakes or anything, just things like running my mouth and showing a lot of anger, also just not knowing when enough is enough. But I have actually been very good at making the right choices within the last few years. I don’t know why Im feeling this way right now. Maybe it is bc for the first time.. really, in my life, Im having to make decisions for me and the kids… virtually alone. Jeff is a phone call away, but for the most part, the small decisions are being left up to me. And for some reason I don’t trust myself yet. I still think well, “What would Jeff do in this situation?” and things like that and then I catch myself and Im like Wait a minute here.. why do I need to always do what I think Jeff would do? Maybe bc he is always the grounding person and Im always so flighty. I am thinking about how I really want to feel young and go out and party a little, but then I feel afraid that I wont do the right things. I feel like maybe its just best that I don’t do those things I order not to screw up. But why? Why cant I trust myself to make the right choices? I still feel so lost right now.